One step at a time...

The to-do list for resolutions looks very long and not a whole lot has been checked off. It's discouraging to want to change, but not seem to be able to. Yesterday was a good example as well. I found myself very tired and upset by lots of different events but I forgot all the good things that I know to do in those situations. I felt like I was too tired to breathe or go into the meditation room to sit, yet those things are the medicine for what ails me.

One of the things that made me upset was learning more about the retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh that took place near Memphis last August. I heard about the retreat after we just got back from Boston, and I didn't feel that I could take more time to go. But in checking with their website, they had pictures and a write up showing that it was a much smaller group there than in Boston, and I felt rather cheated. The Boston retreat wasn't as peaceful as the last one we attended. The folks at the Boston retreat were overwhelmingly not Buddhist, while the folks in Memphis were Buddhist and lots of Vietnamese attended as well. At the Boston retreat, it was a challenge to get folks to get into the spirit of what the retreat was supposed to be about.

Now, I do realize that the Boston retreat isn't really supposed to be a Buddhist retreat and that Thây wants everyone to learn about mindfulness practices. For me, though, it would have been very helpful to attend a retreat with fewer people and people who really want to learn from Thây, not just be able to say "I've studied with Thich Nhat Hanh".

When I got home, Matt offered that we should go into the meditation room, but I declined thinking it was too late. I should have made a bee line for the meditation room. If I want to learn from Thây, I need to remember that he is already teaching me and supporting me in what I need most - practicing mindfulness. If I would benefit from a retreat with Thây, I have to remember that I have that ability right now. I have my meditation room, I have a CD player and plenty of CDs with Dharma talks. There's no reason why I can't have mini-retreats every weekend.

I have been attending temple nearly every week, the kitchen is coming along, and I'm recognizing the things that are most important, so those are good things.

Stay away from the chocolate, and no one will get hurt...

I can pretty much stay on cooling foods until the chocolate comes out. Today as a treat after our general staff meeting, we broke out the chocolate fountain and had fresh fruit to dip into it. We all have chocolate stains, but we're going back to work happy. :)

Messages from the past...

Several months ago I heard about "Future Me" went to the site and sent myself a message. I had forgotten all about it by this morning, but there in my inbox was a message from the past. The Subject line was "New Years Resolutions" and it said:

"Dear FutureMe, If you haven't been perfect keeping your New Year's Resolutions - it is a long list, afterall - DO NOT use that as an excuse to stop trying or wait for a new month, new year, new lifetime, etc. Love,me"

Good advice, especially since I've been wondering recently if it's possible to change and do better. At any rate, I did take the stairs this morning instead of the elevator, so that's a step in the right direction. :)

Want a message from the past? Go to http://www.futureme.org

Morning People are Evil!

One of the most exasperating thing about the search for spirituality is the conviction of some folks that to be spiritual one must also be: an early riser, clutter free, skinny, eat only tofu, and have experiences in the rarified air of the higher realms! I read an articile once that declared that you can't be spiritual unless you get up early in the morning to meditate. Most annoying to someone like me who is NOT a morning person!

On the other hand, I also have to look at my stubborn-ness about some of that. It seems like it shouldn't matter if one's house is cluttered and other activities take presidence over housekeeping. Afterall, shouldn't it be more important to experience life instead of chasing dust bunnies? Well, yes... and no.

I'm not a student of feng shui and I'm not sure I'm totally on board with all the ideas of it, but in reading some materials recently, I do have to agree that some of the dis-ease I've been feeling has a direct relationship with the clutter and lack of care I've been giving my house. I've belly-ached and whined about it but have yet to do a whole heck of a lot to fix this, though.

Yesterday, I was home sick after a terrible night. I was up early and rested on the couch, then went back to bed until after noon time. After noon, though, I did get dressed and worked on the pool which had gotten quite green. Funny enough, a very large frog had taken up residence in the pool and was chilling out in the leaf trap! When I emptied it, he jumped across my legs scaring both of us! He swam across the pool then took a nose dive into the leaves. I was able to scoop the leaves and him out of the bottom before putting in the chlorine, so hopefully he's found a more hospitable home. Within a short time, the pool started to change colors, and I felt a nice sense of accomplishment.

I tidied up the living room and worked on the kitchen a bit, and genuinely did feel better about things. I've been wanting to do more of my art - creating mandalas and the like - and I really need space for that. The lower living room really can be perfect for that, but not in it's current state. If I can take a few days off here soon, I'm hoping to make some headway on all this. The to-do list feels overwhelming, but I do realize that if I approach it step by step, I really can do this.

Just don't ask me to get up too early! ;-)